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December 2004
stoke prior, herefordshire, uk
– A "beetle drive" next door to my parents’ house. No,
nothing to do with Volkswagens: this is a parlour game where you throw dice to
complete a drawing of a beetle (6 for a body, 5 for a head, and so on). Bewhiskered
retired colonels consume glass after glass of
Scotch, and genteel old ladies cheat. A very English way to
ring in the New Year.
bergisch gladbach, germany –
At last we’re seeing the benefits of Oliver
having a girlfriend. Janina’s parents helped us move
offices from our second-floor flat down into the newly rented basement
apartment. Oliver now lords it in the
four-room flat upstairs, while Evelyn and I slave
away in our two-room dungeon.
Oliver has been doing an internship at a local hospital. He’s helped take
blood samples, tested diabetic patients, and watched stomach endoscopy. He’s since decided against the medical
profession: he now wants to be a climatologist.
bergisch gladbach
– The men in Evelyn’s karate club had
gone outside, stripped to their waists and rubbed their chests and backs with
snow. The women’s changing room afterwards was abuzz, comparing Herr X’s
pectorals with Herr Y’s physique. Evelyn says she hadn’t even noticed the
semi-naked masculinity. I think this is because she’s already married to her
dream hunk. She thinks it just shows she’s getting older.
hanoi, vietnam
– Forget the dances, architecture, food and clothes. If you want a
rich cultural experience, go to have your hair cut. I got a shampoo, a facial
massage with acupressure, another shampoo, another facial and scalp massage,
and a final rinse and dry. I was then offered a plate of roasted melon seeds…
though opening them with my teeth is a skill I’ve never quite mastered. The
hairdresser proceeded to chop off most of the hair she had just spent
three-quarters of an hour washing. I hope it grows back fast enough for another
visit before I leave Vietnam.
hanoi
– “The authorities forbid eggs and chickens to be bought”, said the
letter from the management under my hotel door. Poultry products were banned
because of the avian flu outbreak. So off we went in search of eggs. “Are your
eggs legal?” I asked in the shop round the corner. The owner showed me her
permit, festooned with official-looking stamps. But the hotel management thinks
the permit is forged. They suggested we get the shop to cook breakfast for us.
bergisch gladbach– Inviting
our new neighbour round for coffee was the worst thing I could do, said Evelyn. She was busy, she had no time, and the neighbour was
an old bat. Then she actually met the neighbour, and realized she was no witch,
but a lively 25-year-old. Of course, she was welcome to drop round for coffee
“any time”. I don’t think I’ll ever understand female psychology… I’m not allowed
to invite elderly women round, but an attractive young blonde is fine?
torrevieja, spain
– Spontaneous applause broke out as each float descended the church
steps and successfully manoeuvred the sharp turn into the crowded street to
join the Good Friday procession. Each one bore an image of the crucifixion or a
saint, and was carried by up to 40 people. They were accompanied by nazareños – men
dressed in long, hooded gowns and tall, pointed hats, with holes cut for their
eyes. We wondered why they all appeared to be
pregnant, then realized they carried bags of sweets inside their gowns to give
to the children lining the route.
While Evelyn and I were watching this cultural event, Oliver
and Janina went shopping. Later, Evelyn and I drove to the Sierra de Espuña
nature reserve; Oliver and Janina went shopping.
Then we visited the architectural gems of Barcelona,
while Oliver and Janina caught up on a bit of shopping. What did they buy?
Clothes they could have bought in Bergisch Gladbach…
elche, spain – Got a headache? Buy a small wax model of a head, and suspend it
at the shrine of your favourite saint in the church. Gammy
leg? Hang up a wax leg. Breasts too big (or too
small)? Add a model of the relevant bits. Each of the chapels in the
church here is festooned with a little bouquet of body parts. Certainly a lot cheaper than a visit to the doctor. But just
what did the wax butterfly mean?
barcelona, spain – I had just finished lecturing Oliver
and Janina on the dangers of pickpockets when the train stopped. We trooped on,
but someone tugged on my jacket: there was spit on my shoulder… Evelyn
pushed me into the train. “They’re trying to rob you,” she said. Sure enough,
the zip on my moneybelt was half-open. Nothing lost
fortunately; Evelyn’s quick reaction had saved our passports and plane tickets.
I spent a sweaty rest of the day with my moneybelt
tucked under my shirt and my jacket zipped up. Even Oliver switched his
backpack onto his chest while he and Janina… went shopping.
bergisch gladbach – Young German men traditionally decorate a young tree with ribbons
for their girlfriends on May Day. The women are supposed to wake to see the
colourful tree outside her window. The woods on 30 April are full of youths
chopping down trees and loading them onto cars. Oliver
and I bought a couple of young birches legally, from the forestry service. At
4:30 the following morning, we fetched the trees from their hideout and
garnished them with ribbons. We erected Janina’s in
her garden, and hung Evelyn’s from the balcony of the flat upstairs.
Traditionally, only unmarried women are given trees. I hung Evelyn’s at a 45°
angle, just in case someone thought we weren’t actually married. She did get a
couple of discreet queries from the neighbours, though.
dhaka, bangladesh – Half a dozen tanks line the road to the office. There’s a patrol
boat on a plinth, and three fighter planes mounted at rakish angles. Faced with
mammoth traffic jams while a new flyover is being built, the government has
opened a road through a military camp, normally closed to the public. I can
only think that the military hardware is meant to impress potential recruits of
the wonders of employment in the armed forces.
My office courtyard is filling with hulks
of vehicles left over from previous projects. Bangladesh may rank as the most
corrupt country on the planet, but no one seems able to sell old cars, so they
mount up in the courtyard, rusting and stripped of parts. I counted 38 wrecks
in all. Soon there will be no room to park an operative vehicle. Maybe we
should put a wreck on a plinth outside the gate to impress potential employees?
bergisch gladbach – "What? On a Sunday?
At midday!" Evelyn was distraught. I had proudly told her that I had mown our lawn.
"How long have you lived in Germany?"
she wanted to know. "Haven’t you heard of the lunchtime rest period?" I
protested that the neighbours would hardly object: our hand-mower is very quiet
and the lawn is not large. In any case, Sunday lunchtime is when Brits
traditionally mow their lawns, and the Germans should be prepared to accept my
culture. Then I made matters worse. I admitted I had also mown the neighbour’s
lawn: the grass was long, and she seemed to have gone away, so I thought I
would do her a favour. "But she told me only a couple of days ago that she
wanted to let her grass grow!" said Evelyn. I wrote
the neighbour a letter apologizing for mowing her lawn, pleading with her not
to sue me for disturbing the midday quiet, saying it was unnecessary to hurl
abuse at me (my wife had already done so), and assuring her it would never
happen again. The neighbour called the next day: she had been delighted to find
her lawn freshly cut. Ah, the joy of vindication.
hue , vietnam
– I hired a bike and clattered over the bridge to the
Citadel: the vast imperial palace that dominates one bank of the
Perfume River. In search of a guidebook, I
followed a sign saying "Guides". The "guide" turned out to be a young woman
rather than a colour booklet, but I hired her anyway to show me round. The
palace had been occupied by the Viet Cong during the 1968 Tet
Offensive, and was bombed by the Americans when they reconquered
the city. Some of the main buildings have been rebuilt, complete with golden
dragons writhing up giant red pillars. The theatre is a reversal of the western
concept: the emperor sat on a stage to watch performances on the hall floor.
For a fee, tourists can dress in his finery to have their photos taken. Such
impertinence would have led to an unpleasant death if the real emperor were
still around.
stoke prior, herefordshire, uk
– Never before have so many Mundys assembled in one place.
Nineteen children, spouses and grandchildren, plus many friends and neighbours,
noshed through mountains of food, drank gallons of booze, and toasted my
parents’ on their 50th wedding anniversary. The only one missing, my
niece Lyndsay, was in the USA. She still appears in the group
photos, though – as a blowup photo.
 cliffs of moher, county clare, ireland
– The paths of backpackers and package holidaymakers intersect in mercifully few
locations in this beautiful, empty land. One is this spectacular rocky Atlantic
vista. Huge coaches disgorge cargoes of Americans and Bavarians, who head for
the loo, then to the cliff edge for a 5-minute gawp, on to the tearoom and
souvenir shop for rather longer, and then back to the bus – perhaps with
another trip to the loo just to make sure. Along the path to the cliffs,
buskers play harps and pan-flutes, and hawkers flog blankets and jewellery. We
recognized several from the hostel where we were staying, trying to earn enough
from each coachload to pay for the next stage of
their own holiday.
bochum, germany
– Evelyn may have travelled the globe,
but she still doesn’t know how to get around her own backyard. Despite detailed
instructions and a map, she got lost
on the way to the station in Bochum.
She then took what she thought was the train to Düsseldorf – which went instead
to Essen, and then returned to Bochum. Three hours to complete a one-hour
journey. My advice: when travelling with Evelyn,
check which platform you’re on, listen to station announcements, check the map,
ask passers-by for directions, and trust your own judgement.
utrecht, netherlands–
Evelyn is getting lots of practice spotting thieves. A youth
in a red jacket tried to pick a friend’s pocket in front of the cathedral.
Evelyn hustled the friend out of the way. Later they saw the
same young man, now wearing blue. He had reversed his jacket, but the telltale
red was still showing at the collar. He hurriedly tucked the collar away and
scuttled off in search of less observant victims.
dhaka – The new flyover had
just been opened, and the flags and bunting still waved in the breeze. A group
of protesters had decided this was an ideal opportunity for a demonstration, so
they put a bamboo barrier across the road. A long tailback formed as passengers
got out of each vehicle, lifted the pole so their car could pass underneath,
and then got back into their car. The car in front of us bumped the bamboo onto
the ground, and we drove over it. Up to another barrier at the pavilion where
the Prime Minister had opened the bridge. My fellow passenger lifted that
barrier over the car, told the demonstrators to take their bamboo home with
them, and we drove over the now empty bridge.
Demonstrations and strikes are common here in Bangladesh.
There have been three all-day general strikes just in the last month, called by
the opposition to protest against the government. During a strike, nothing
moves: people fear that opposition thugs will beat them up if they venture out
of doors. Government thugs retaliate by breaking up opposition rallies. The
latest strike at least took the fasting month of Ramadan into account, though:
in deference to the holy month, it ended at 2 pm instead of at 6.
bergisch gladbach, 18 november
– Evelyn’s father died today. A wonderful man, the best
father-in-law I can imagine. He has left a huge gap in our family.
rajasthan, india– I think
I’m allergic to Rajasthan. I came down with suspected malaria, so missed the
Pushkar camel fair. I recovered in time to facilitate a
conference on camels, then fell ill again on the way back home, and mislaid my
passport. I spent a frantic day in Delhi
getting a new passport, and arrived at the airport to discover that my flight
had been rescheduled and had just left. Things did get better, though: I found
my passport in my suitcase, and managed to get home in time for Evelyn’s
father’s funeral.
bergisch gladbach–
Oliver has got his driving license and is now polite
to us. He has to be – if he wants to borrow the car. Evelyn
and I like this state of affairs. We are discouraging him from saving up for
his own set of wheels.
A very happy Christmas, Idul Fitri, Diwali, Hanukkah, Tet and New Year.
Paul, Evelyn and Oliver
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